


The Recounting

by GraceFinePairingsPodcast



Category: Jonas Brothers
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Awkward Sexual Situations, DNCE - Freeform, F/M, Other, Self-Insert, awkward overall, kind of, sex but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25711477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraceFinePairingsPodcast/pseuds/GraceFinePairingsPodcast
Summary: The first and only fanfiction that Claire and Grace- hosts of Fine Pairings Podcast- have ever written together. Written in a storm of laughter after reading Joe Jonas's self-expose as a member of the Jonas Brothers.An unnamed female fan of the Jonas Brothers meets Joe by chance, and this meeting leads her on a bizarre quest to find a boy to have sex with so Joe Jonas can watch.
Kudos: 1





	The Recounting

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to our listeners, we're glad you found our podcast. This fanfiction was read on the podcast on our Season 2 kickoff episode on May 14th, 2020.

It’s been seven years since…Seven long years. It’s funny how time passes isn’t it? I can still remember it perfectly. The day that I lost my virginity. 

With Joe Jonas. In the room.

I was seventeen years old. Seventeen felt pretty old at the time, but I would soon learn just how young I really was. I didn’t know who I was until I saw the Jonas Brothers. Now those boys had their lives together. They had family, religion, even their sexuality was outlined. Just one look at their left hands and everyone could tell just what they were. Pure and uncomplicated. Waiting for marriage and all that jazz.

It was exactly what a lost girl like myself needed. A lighthouse in a storm. A guiding light to show me the way into adulthood. Untouched and pure as the driven snow. Or at least that’s what I thought I needed.

That was until I met him. Joe Jonas.

It was a cold and drizzly morning in March. After begging my mom for over a week, she finally agreed to call me out of school so that I could see the Jonas Brothers. They were appearing on a local radio with the intention of giving away concert tickets for their upcoming show. They couldn’t possibly be aware of all the desperate girls with their damp noses pressed up against the windows of the station.

But who could really understand the depths of desperation of the girls standing in the cold March rain but the girls themselves? For a long time I tried to pretend that I wasn’t one of them. Though how could I pretend any longer? I too was soaked through to the bone, clasping my torn sign declaring my love. How could I pretend when I was just as eager to join in with the throngs of girls ogling over magazines, posters, and anything we could get our hands on? It’s funny looking back to realize just how clear the obsession really was to an outsider, but just so hidden from myself.

As I shivered in the rain I held my sign high over my head, hoping against hope that one of the brothers might see it as they were entering the station. Or at least the radio executive would see it when he came outside to select the contest winners. The radio had kindly set up a series of speakers to project the show onto us crazy fans, an attempt to make up feel like we were actually inside the radio building without actually having our dripping coats to deal with. We couldn’t have been happier.

There was an excited roar from within the mass of shivering girls as the DJ announced that his assistant would was heading outside to choose seven lucky fans to win front row tickets, as well as an exclusive meet and greet with boys. Chaos was only barely being held at bay due to the fact silence was required in order for the assistant to make his selections.

After a long pause a small girl was selected from the front of the crowd.

Then another girl was selected. Then another. With each selection, the time between winners grew shorter. While the tension inside me grew stronger. I kept waiting and longing, but with each selection my heart sunk further down. My heart felt like it was somewhere around my ankles as the last selection was about to be made.

This was my chance. This was my only chance. I could feel my desperation like a physical ache and it shined from my eyes calling to the assistant. As if he could feel my eyes drilling into his skull he turned in what felt like slow motion and made eye contact with me. For a painful moment I could feel my heart rising back up into my rib cage as he seemed to smile slightly at me. 

This was it. My moment.

He raised his hand and pointed towards me, “You,” he said firmly.

I couldn’t believe my luck. “Me?” I said in almost a whisper, gesturing to myself. With a curl of his finger he beaconed me forward. I took a hesitant step.

“No! Not you, you!” the assistant shook his head and pointed to the girl jumping excitedly next to me. My heart turned to ice as it fell to the ground to shatter into a million splintered pieces.

As I watched the lucky contestants follow the assistant into the station I suddenly couldn’t understand why I was there. Why was I standing in the rain? Why was I holding a stupid paper sign that was quickly falling apart in said rain, declaring my undying love for a group of boys I had never met? And it seemed, in all likelihood, would never meet. All those hours I had spent longing over these boys now seemed foolish. This had been my only shot at meeting them, and now it was clear that would never happen.

I turned on my heel and made my way out of the mob of girls. I was trying particularly hard to not cry over my foolish actions. Once I was clear of the throng I turned the corner around the building, hoping to find a quiet place to call my mom. What I found was a series of dumpsters lined against the back of the studio. My hands tore through the damp sign I had lovingly clutched not moments before and ripped it in two before throwing it into one of the open dumpsters.

Shaking with frustration and cold I pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket to call my mom. I wanted her to come pick me up. As luck would have it, it was dead. I let out a growl of frustration and a single glistening tear mixed with the droplets of rain on my face.

As I contemplated my options a previously unnoticed door swung open suddenly to reveal a husky but busy looking man. He held an unlit cigarette between his lips and was fumbling with his lighter when he noticed me. I must have presented an interesting sight as he sprang back in alarm not prepared to find a companion in his smoking space.

“My phone is dead,” I said, awkwardly holding my blank phone to explain my odd choice of location.

This seemed to register with him, and he asked me what model it was. I gave it to him and he nodded encouragingly mumbling about having that model of charger at his desk. Most likely feeling sorry for me he ushered me through the doorway to guide me toward his desk. I followed mutely only barely taking in my surroundings.

Once at his desk he offered me a cup of coffee, which I declined, and then he gestured dumbly to the charger on his desk. He excused himself to go smoke and indicated that I could stay for as long I needed to charge my phone. Then just as suddenly as he had come, he was gone again.

I plugged in my phone and after shivering at the husky man’s desk for several minutes I decided that I needed to move around to warm up. As I was rubbing my hands briskly up and down my arms to warm them I heard an exasperated growl followed shortly by a series of quick footsteps. Out of the corner my eye I saw the flash of a brown haired boy pass the opening of the cubicle I was in. As I hesitantly approached the doorway for lack of a better word, I heard the unmistakable, to the trained ear, voice of the one Joe Jonas say, “Why do they always have push it so far?”

I looked up just in time to find myself under the intense gaze of Joe Jonas, his steps coming to a halt as his brother Nick continued on without him. With a stormy gaze he stepped towards me and demanded, “Why do you guys insist on asking about the purity rings when you know we don’t want to talk about them?”

“I…don’t…work here,” I stuttered lamely.

“Oh…” Joe paused suddenly unsure of what to say, “Uhh, never mind then–”

He turned to leave but my hand shot out automatically and grabbed hold of his arm, “WAIT!” I exclaimed.

Joe turned back towards me with a confused expression glancing at my hand on his arm. This caused me to suddenly be aware the I was touching Joe Jonas and my heart sped up to the point I thought I might faint. I was choking on the speech I had practiced with my Joe Jonas pillow just the night before and I could see that Joe was obviously waiting for me to speak.

“I-I-” I croaked.

“Yes?” Joe asked slowly, and I could see in his eyes that he was starting to put the pieces together. I was a crazed fan.

“I-I just wanted you to know…that,” I swallowed before continuing in a rush, “that because of you guys wearing purity rings I’m also going to wait for marriage.”

This was a poor explanation of my journey towards finding religion that had all been prompted because of the Jonas Brothers. But I was a shivering mess of cold and confusion, and I could barely wrap my head around the idea that I was touching Joe Jonas’s arm still. I immediately looked down at my shoes, not sure what to do next.

What happened next I couldn’t have foreseen. Joe grabbed hold of my chin and forced me to look back into his eyes. “You look at me,” he ordered, “Let me made one thing clear. Those rings are not what we’re about.”

Seeing that he had my attention he dropping his hand from my chin to take a fistful of my sweatshirt in each of his hands. He shook me slightly as he tried to drive the point home, “Don’t ever think that you shouldn’t have sex just because some boy band has told you not to. Don’t let anyone ever make decisions for you.”

He suddenly got very quiet and brought his face even closer to mine, his breath whispering over my skin, “Do me favor. You go out into this wide world and you fuck every person it ever even crosses your mind to fuck. You don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t have sex whenever you damn please. You don’t know how much I would give to even just watch.”

I had never heard a Jonas Brother swear. But perhaps it was also his proximity that caused me to mutter, “You want me to have sex?”

A sudden clarity came over Joe’s eyes as he loosed his grip on my sweatshirt, “Yes,” he breathed.

“And…you want to watch?” I asked lamely.

Joe looked a little sheepish as he released me from his death grip, “Uhhh…yeah,” he said looking at his feet blushing.

“Alright…I accept,” I said trying to sound confident.

He suddenly looked back up at me, “What?” he asked.

“I’ll…do it,” I said looking away from his probing stare, “I’ll have sex, and…you can, like, sit and watch.”

“You’d do that?” Joe looked confused but also a little amazed.

“Uhh, yeah, why not?” I said rubbing the back of my neck, “Do you want to do it now?”

Joe surveyed his surroundings, as if he could find the solution somewhere scattered around the husky man’s cubicle. Finally he said, “Yes, but we have to leave quickly.”

Without further explanation Joe grabbed my hand and tugged me frantically back the way the husky man had brought me. I only managed to swipe my phone off the man’s desk as Joe’s pace quickened and we ducked into a waiting car.

I suddenly found myself in the back seat with the remaining Jonas Brothers, though they only gave Joe a slightly questioning look before they turned their attention back out the dark tinted windows. It was the most tense and exciting car ride of my life.

I had almost forgotten about my promise to Joe until his brothers had left us alone in the back of the car. “So how are we going to do this?” Joe looked at me expectantly.

It was as if he thought I had had some sort of plan back at the radio station, and not blurted the first thought in my head. “Uhhh…Let’s go inside first.” I said trying frantically to think of something.

This seemed a reasonable plan to Joe who followed closely on my heels. We were standing towards the back of the fancy lobby of the hotel the boys were staying at. Joe looked at me for direction. “Uhhh…Wait here. I’m going to get my…boyfriend.” I said trying to think of an excuse.

He nodded like this made sense to him, and then turned his attention to his phone. Shit. Why had I said I was going to get my boyfriend? Not only did I not have a boyfriend, I had never even flirted with a boy before. And now I had to find one in a matter of minutes. In order to have sex with. In front of a different boy. A celebrity. How did I get myself into this?

Briefly considering just running away my eyes landed on a boy that looked about my age, maybe older, standing behind the bell hop desk. He clearly worked at the hotel, and not seeing any better options I decided that I guessed he was attractive, and could arguably be someone’s boyfriend. Or at the very least had had sex with a girl before.

Trying my best to saunter, though my legs were cramping with tension and I had never attempted to saunter before, I approached the desk. I tried to alluringly lean on the side of the desk, missed once and almost fell, but then recovered and leaned…debatably seductively against the marble.

The boy behind the desk gave me a strange look before pinning on a smile and asked, “Is there something I can help you with miss?”

I thought back to all the things I had seen on the Disney channel and tried to pick something that Sharpey from High School Musical would say to catch a man, “Hey…attractive man. I need…someone strong to…massage my…shoulders?”

He looked perplexed but tried to remain professional, “Well, we don’t do that at this desk, but I can get you an appointment with one of our spa girls?”

I immediately back pedaled, “No! What I mean is…I need…there’s a…umm…sex.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly.”

“I mean…Do you want….to…sex?” I tried to twirl my hair flirtatiously.

The boy behind the desk looked around and then looked me up and down before asking, “Are you serious.”

“Yes.” I said plainly.

He looked around the lobby area before he leaned even closer to my face so that only I could hear, “Do you have a room here?”

I looked back over at Joe who was now watching me earnestly, “Yeah…at least I think so…”

He grinned slightly and then agreed to my sloppily made proposition. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. “Then there’s two more things you need to know,” I said slowly, “Firstly, you have to pretend to be my boyfriend…Second of all…Joe Jonas is going to be watching us.”

“Joe Jonas?” he looked perplexed, “from that boy band?”

“They’re not a boy band their an actual band–you know what that’s not important right now, he’s over there,” I pointed out Joe, who waved awkwardly.

The boy waved back, “And he’s going to watch us?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, that’s not so bad. I’ve done weirder,” the boy said as he shrugged causally.

I was suddenly very curious, “You have? Really? What did you–you know what that’s not important right now either, and I honestly don’t really want to know.”

The boy came around the front of the desk and put his arm around my shoulders. “What is your name by the way?” he asked as I reminded myself to relax in my “boyfriend’s” arms.

I told him, and the boy named Dave and I made our way back toward Joe. “So this is your boyfriend?” Joe asked extending his hand to shake Dave’s.

“Two years and counting,” Dave said with a wide grin, “Time goes quickly don’t it?”

I forced a laugh, “Haha that’s right hon-ey.”

Joe also let out a forced laugh, “Guess it was lucky that your boyfriend works at this hotel.”

“Yeah…weird,” I nearly choked as the three of us laughed. Then on some secret signal we turned and followed Joe up to his room.

“So uhhh…how do you want to do this?” I asked nervously, “Should I take off my shirt?”

“Umm, I guess?” Joe said from his position in the middle of the room, “Should I be…here?”

From the vacuum of power Dave suddenly rose to be the leader of the situation. He firmly but calmly dragged a chair over to the corner of the room near the large king bed. “You’ll sit over here Tiger, and just let us do the work.”

Joe looked relieved at having some direction, and nearly ran over to the awaiting seat. Dave’s attention snapped over towards me, awkwardly sitting in the middle of the bed. I yelped at the unflinching eye contact. “You!” he said pointing at me.

“Me?” I said in a parody of the moment that had brought me here.

“Of course you, my delicate springtime flower,” he said as he ran his finger down the bridge of my nose before booping me on the tip. I had no idea how to respond to this gesture.

“Awww,” I tried sound cute but it came out more like a strangled animal. Dave tweaked the end of my nose again before he stepped back and started to undo the buttons of his shirt.

“Should I take off my shirt?” I said again.

Dave shot me a slightly perplexed look as he started to unbutton his pants. Then looking between the tense Jonas Brother in the corner and my own frightened appearance he stepped toward me and said as smooth as butter, “Why don’t I take it off for you?”

His fingers slide the zipper of my sweatshirt down and I couldn’t help but shiver. I hoped he thought it was from the cold, but in actuality it was mostly nerves. With the zipper undone, he placed a tender kiss on my forehead and proceeded to slip the sweatshirt off my arms. As the damp material hit the floor, a small whimper could be heard coming from Joe’s side of the room.

Dave saw my eyes flit towards Joe’s strange and sudden noise, and he whispered in my ear, “Just ignore him. Pretend he’s not here.” Before he continued down to place quick kisses on my neck.

Somehow during that time, Dave managed to wriggle out of his pants. I wished I had noticed this sooner. Dave playfully hoisted me up and tossed me onto the bed. It probably would have been better had I not screeched or flailed on my way down, because I have since learned that that is not sexy, but I had been startled.

With a sexual prowess that I will never possess, Dave climbed on top of me. Expecting another kiss, I lifted my head to greet him but his lips stopped at my collar bone and proceeded to kiss a trail down to the button of my jeans. I snorted, not expecting the kisses to tickle so much.

To my complete shock, Dave continued to undo the button of my jeans with his teeth growling like a small puppy with a toy. At the time, I wasn’t completely sure if the sound had come from Dave or from Joe in the corner, as I heard a similar mournful growl come from Joe’s direction. Though upon reflection, the growl from Joe sounded more like a dying animal compared to Dave’s playful one. By that time Dave was pulling the zipper of my jeans down with his teeth as I contemplated what to do with my hands.

“I’m going to take off your jeans now,” Dave said looking seriously into my frightened eyes, “So if you could also take off your shirt that would be tres bueno.”

I nearly giggled at Dave’s suave blend of two languages as I pulled my damp t-shirt over my head as Dave wrestled my wet jeans down my legs. Dave gave me a secret wicked wink before he looked over toward’s Joe, tossing my jeans into his lap.

“Hhhhrgghhhhh,” was the sound Joe made and I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing as Dave tossed me a grin to show he knew what he had done. Though the sensation quickly passed as I now realized that I was almost naked in front of…not one, but two men I just met. My breathing stopped and my whole body tensed. To use the word uncomfortable would be to say that the sun is only a little bright. Trying to hide my discomfort from Joe I quickly turned my gaze back toward Dave, who was seductively crawling up the length of my body.

Seeing the panicked look in my eyes, I swear I could see the gears change in his head. He face changed from one of seduction to compassion as he said, “Uhhh, Honey…why don’t we slip under the covers and get more comfortable?”

I nodded so vigorously that I thought I’d crack a vertebrae in my neck. With more speed than grace I dove beneath the covers, pulling them up to my nose. Dave was slightly more suave, and purred like a cat as he snuggled in next to me.

As Dave climbed over me, without any actual contact, I braced myself for what felt like the inevitable consequences of my dumb actions and what would be the loss of my virginity. Dave shot one last look over at Joe, who was perched on the edge of his chair in anticipation his face ridged with tense excitement, then turned back to me.

I must have posed an interesting sight, looking scared out of my mind and exactly like the virginal girl that I was. As Dave leaned his face down towards mine and I scrunched my eyes closed preparing for impact. However Dave brought his lips down to my ear and whispered, “I can tell that you are uncomfortable, just follow my lead. We don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do.”

I pried my eyes open and caught Dave looking down at me mischievously again. He winked before he subtly arranged himself off to the side of my body. The covers completely hiding the change. “You’re gonna have to take off your underwear to sell this,” he whispered into my ear again.

I nodded quickly as I scurried out of my panties. Bringing them up to my chest for Dave to see. In a flash of teeth I barely saw he snatched my panties away from me and tossed them with his teeth off the bed. Joe responded with a…noise.

Dave took this opportunity to shrug out of his own underwear and then proclaimed in a slightly too loud voice for the situation, “Oh baby…I can’t wait to be inside you.”

Dave cued me with a slight raise of his eyebrow. I was less natural about the dialogue, “Ohhhhh yes, I can’t wait to be inside you either…”

Dave shook his head and looked heavenward. “Are you ready for me? You sexy thing?”

I nodded. Dave pierced me with a look. “Oh!!” I corrected, “Yes! I am ready. Mmmmmm, sexy you.”

Dave crossed his eyes in frustration but Joe didn’t seem fazed by our forced dialogue. Dave proceeded to mime a hip thrusting motion that I can’t really describe. “Alright…here I come.” Dave said looking forcefully at me as Joe hummed in anticipation. Obviously I was supposed to say something once…whatever happened happened.

Taking my cues from Dave I tried to moan seductively as he did. I can’t say I was a great pupil, but Joe did not seem to notice. Dave on the other hand kept trying to expand my vocabulary of moans, sighs, whimpers, and dirty talk with some gentle suggestions. These were a selection of some of my better lines:

“Oh you dirty cow.”

“Give it to me sailor, drop your anchor on me.”

“Oh yes oh yes, right there in my vagina.”

Dave tried his best to control his laughter as well as hide his shame and frustration at my lack of skills. This proceeded to go on for what was probably only a couple of minutes but felt like hours to me. When I thought I had exhausted my lines of dirty talk I shot Dave a look of desperation. He bite his lip in concentration and when the thought occurred to him he exclaimed, “Babe, I’m so close!”

“Close to what?” I asked concerned.

He hissed in my ear to be quiet then moaned, “Ohhhh god babe you I can’t hold on much longer.”

He mouthed, “Moan.”

I hissed, “What?”

Dave rolled his eyes and then pinched me hard in the side. “AHHHHHHH!” I howled as Dave proceeded to make a series of strange facial expressions and moan. Finally he called out my name with a last groan and then collapsed next to me panting heavily. I followed suit.

Joe started to clap like he had just witnessed a particularly well played round of golf. I caught Dave making a confused look out of the corner of my eye. With only the squeak of the chair to warn us, Joe approached the bed. “Uhh thanks guys,” he said awkwardly, “That was really good.”

“Uhh you’re welcome man,” Dave said cooly.

“Yeah, I uhh…feel a lot better,” Joe continued on, “That really helped.”

Joe then proceeded to remove his wallet from his back pocket and pull out a handful of bills. He set them awkwardly on top of the covers above my breasts and then proceed to shuffle out of the room. As soon as the lock clicked behind him, Dave propped himself up on his elbows and collected the money to count.

“Shit,” he exclaimed, “This is like $5000.”

Dave, always cool as a cucumber, proceeded to divide the cash into two equal piles. He placed my half back on top of my breasts before popping up nude as the day he was born to dress himself. I looked away, pretending to count my money.

“Such a weird day,” Dave said like he was talking about the weather. He cast an affectionate glance towards me and then ruffled my hair with his hand, “Oh you,” he said with a smile.

“Thanks Dave,” was all I could say.

With nothing else to say to each other Dave shot one last affectionate look at me before he straightened his name tag and left the room.

That would be the last time I would ever see Dave or Joe in person again. Years later I would discover that Dave had become a semi-successful director, producer, and actor in many low budgets porn films. Joe of course continued his music career.

I would discover that I was in fact a lesbian. Which I guess I have the Jonas Brothers to thank. For without the addition of the purity rings and the ever watchful Disney company, Joe would never would have been so sexually frustrated. And I would have never found myself in that hotel room.


End file.
